He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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