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The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
