when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
