Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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