that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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