boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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