Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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