my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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