If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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