Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize