You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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