Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My bed smells like the plague
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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