The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
