The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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