i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
