I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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