please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
as a side note pls kill me
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
