he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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