My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
