I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
