Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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