A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She swung at the pinata with crutches
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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