ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
