I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
