Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
