"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
