I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize