my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
