My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
