Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
