ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
