I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
