I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
