Cold hands, warm shart.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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