Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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