tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize