I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
