yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
