You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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