Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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