The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
