Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
