If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
