last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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