I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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