I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
