the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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