The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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