my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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