cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
