mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
