remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
