I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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