where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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