Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
