the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
