You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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