I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I want her autograph on my taint
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
